Sometimes (er... make that most often), I tend to go into nostalgia mode. I wonder then how things were and how they've become. It really hurts when the past turns out better than the present and the anticipated future based on the present. And for me, its always been hurting for long enough to remember.
I still cannot fathom how 2 months of extreme bliss and happiness would give way to so much of darkness in life.
I see people around me battling with difficult situations. My well-wishers keep telling me that things are gonna change eventually. They never have till now. Then they say that others are suffering far more than I am. Well an ailing person is really not in a position to compare. But even if they're right, what good is it. It won't solve problems. It will just make you feel even more miserable that you are whining and crying and at pains about something that is seemingly trivial to the whole world, whereas its hell for you. And you increasingly begin to feel lonely out there, for no one understands... no one. Your loved ones want whats good for you. But they would also be applying the same ol' tried and tested solutions, oblivious to the specificity of the situation. In the end they're helpless too. They can only go as far, the further steps are for you to take. But you can't, because there is a web of confusion and the air just paralyzes. You can't think, can't act or react. You can only sit there and watch others race past. you sit there licking your wounds, the past keeps coming back to haunt you. Then everyone says that have faith in God. Be patient. Be steadfast. But there comes a point beyond which you really can't work anymore. You get so beaten up by the problems, the complexities, the sadness and depression, that you just can't move on. Your body aches. Your mind just stops responding and so so your limbs. And slowly the lights fade out. And you realise you're hardly alive. 'Coz the ignominy of having failed and being a loser- an eternal loser- just eats you away. And compounded with the fact that you had everything, every luxury- everything in the world to satisy you and help your needs, you keeped getting smothered by all this.
Somewhere along the line, you get a sudden burst of energy... probably the last of whats left. You make a resolve, that you'll get out of this. That you will make it. You take inspiration from lives of people who have turned it all around. So with shaky steps you start. You fall. But you stand up again to walk, 'coz you must. But you fall again. But you are not giving up that fast, and begin to walk again. But still fall. Wondering at why its happening, your faith in that Faith decreases. Your well-wishers egg you to still hold on, not to let go, and that He's still there. So with all thats left, you stand up again to walk. But like a final salvo, you're struck again. And then its all over.
Slowly, bit by bit, as your confidence drained, permanent dents were made inside you that would never be healed no matter how much you or anybody tries. You become so shaky, that when you're walking, you just tend to stop and wonder where is it that you are headed and what good is it. You question everyday activities. You just don't see any point in living like this anymore. Your loved ones get distraught at seeing you like this. They try everything earnestly. They admonish you, love you, care for you, impose strict regimes on you. But none of it helps. 'Coz it won't. And slowly a feeling creeps in- a dangerous one at that- which tells you that maybe all this was pre-ordained. It was meant to happen, no matter how much you try to correct it. 'Coz He wanted it to happen. That's why nothing worked, efforts and prayers alike. This is when you truly become all alone, when you are completely lost, and have absolutely nowhere to go. They say that its just your mind playing tricks. But you realise that your mind is so powerless and weak that it can't even force you to live another day.
And people still keep saying you are wasting time and opportunities and that nothings wrong.
Finally there comes a time when you just can't take it anymore. You just wanna stop. You can't move on. This is when you decide that it's time for you to go. Go away for good. Away from all the complexities and expectations here. They'd brand you a coward, a lunatic, mentally ill, unworthy of love and respect, unbeliever, etc. But you don't mind being branded all that. Its far better than the ignominy that you have to suffer in your daily drudgery. And the thought of the end- the conclusion- fills you with a joy that you never experienced ever before in a long long time. It liberates you. And it gives you back the capability to love people again, albeit for the time remaining till the end. It just feels great. You finally found happiness.
But your well-wishers won't let you go that easy. They are so emotionally and socially dependent on you that they can't stand to lose you. They just can't imagine that. Somehow, they'd be comfortable in seeing you whine day after day- 'coz they will eventually get used to it- rather than letting you go. They won't let you go. They will make you feel guilty for the sorrow and pain they'd go through after you reach your end happily. They'd accuse you of runing their lives henceforth. They beg and plead you and make you feel like a killer- for having killed their joy in life. They make you feel so shameless and distraught that you begin to have second thoughts about your end. 'Coz you're not heartless, just ailing and paralyzed. You wouldn't want your end to mean an end for everyone else. You wouldn't want others to suffer because of you. As it is, you haven't done anything in life for them. You don't want to be the cause for their troubles after your end.
This is when you are in a dilemma. Whether to take the leap till the end, or keep hanging on to the edge of the cliff, and letting yourself devoured by the ways of the world. Your mind is in trouble. Once again you don't know what to do. But you feel, at least let the world feed off me. I may at least be of help in satisfying its hunger, if nothing else.
This thought makes you feel good. It offers you solace, and instant peace. You begin to feel more comfortable about this decision- the decision to stay. So you go ahead and don't dissapoint the world and your loved ones- you stay.
But after some time, back in the grind mill, you realise that you're stuck again as usual. you keep getting barraged. There are small stints of happiness, like sunlight breaking through a cloudy sky. But it always gives way to a seemingly never ending dark sky and heavy showers, leaving you soaked, feeling cold, and powerless. But you can't do anything now. You are a part of it.
So you keep getting ground, ever so often, only so that the world may make some use of you.
After all, the breeze always blows and the sun always comes out after the shower (albeit momentarily) to dry you out, so that you can prepare yourself for the next onslaught, i.e. the heavy showers... hang on my friend, hang on to the edge of the cliff. Let them finish. You can take whatever is left of you to the end. Till then... hang on.
