Today was another episode on how sometimes in life, things happen and you can never really explain them. You really can’t. they’re inexplicable as to why they happen.
A very good friend of mine a job interview today. Prior to that he had interned in that company, the biggest software company in the world. He had done an amazing job, put in his best, blended really well with his team members there, lead them, helped them. He had become sort of an ideal intern. All his other team members (already employed) were sure that he will qualify and join the team. He had become a part and parcel of the team. He had done a wonderful job on his project, worked innovatively and efficiently. He had 2 rounds of interviews: a technical and the other HR. He is technically very sound, so the first was no problem. The second round of interview was by a senior official in his business division. It was HR. He is good in that too, interacting with people. But somehow, he couldn’t connect with the interviewer. The interviewer didn’t like his answers (maybe because they weren’t biased towards the company; they were frank and honest). And that pulled the plug on him. All his immense hard work for over 2 months gets reduced to some difference of opinion between 2 people and the reason for his not being selected.
I am really sad about this, more than him. He keeps telling me it’s no big deal, and that everything happens for a reason and all the philosophical shit. But I wonder that where then is the sense of justice? I mean the guy worked his ass off. As an intern he did everything a manager could expect of a full-time employee and much more. He participated in team events, sports meets, everything. Yet, he didn’t make it. I seriously question the logic of the world behind this.
This has hit me so hard, I don’t feel like going on for my own project. He had definitely worked so very hard, yet didn’t make it. Then I don’t stand a chance either. And even if I do, that will be unfair in some sense. So I don’t want not to be selected, but I also don’t want to be selected because of some luck factor. Why can’t plain and simple hard-work pay off? Why should there always be some or the other complexity attached with it? And why is it that whenever something bad happens we tend to console by saying ‘everything has a reason behind it’.
At this point, I recall Steve Jobs’ speech to Stanford Grads on their convocation ceremony. He had said something like not to connect dots of the future, they’ll make no sense; connect those of the past to realize why something had happened. So once again it just has to be the waiting period hoping that something good will happen in return. But the sense of justice is gone.
I really don’t feel like working anymore. I have worked insane amounts over the past few weeks. I fear all this would turn out to be futile. I am not even that mentally stable and sound as my friend, who has the strength to accept and move on. I’ll just crash, and get hit real bad.
But then again, as Silvestre “Rocky Balboa” Stallone had said in the last movie, “No one can hit you as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward; how much you can take and keep moving forward”
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
Under-rated and unappreciated
The other day I got admonished at work, for my slow pace and lack of progress. It was a time when I was trying my level best, working 48 hrs at a stretch. I skipped lunch and dinners just trying to understand the complexity of the task and hand and worked towards it. But I guess it wasn't enough. To be honest, I really don't know what more I could do. I was sleeping in my office, brought my bathing kit to work. I was almost living here. Yet the work was not satisfactory. I was never doing the right work. I was just wasting time and efforts. So characteristic of me. Yet, this time, I had put in everything I had.
I came across a website on losers. It was something like losers.org. It made fun of many kinds of people. But they maybe didn't delve into the losing loser category. I am so worthless why would anybody spend time on me. I don't realise why earlier I was a start and all and now have completely lost it. Its like I have become someone else. No matter how hard I try, I never am able to produce good results. Its like its pre-ordained. As if the path is invisibly being laid ahead of me and I am forced to walk on it.
Friends, if you don't work in the first place, then definitely you won't have any confidence and you will be guilty of not doing anything and hence the admonishings. But if you know yourself very well, that you had put in your heart and soul into it, and you tried your best to solve it, and no one believes you, it kinda hurts.
But I guess this stage in life comes when it has already given you a sound drubbing and theres nothing left to feel pain for. So it won't matter.
Then our evaluators go on to compare us with other people. And we realise that we are really worthless. And don't feel like working even more. Finally there comes a time where you feel that you're just too stupid. That you don't know anything and no matter how hard you try, it won't make a difference. From that day on, you will start your trip into the world of silence. And with every such irony, you'll only step closer into it. Realising how lonely the world can get...
I came across a website on losers. It was something like losers.org. It made fun of many kinds of people. But they maybe didn't delve into the losing loser category. I am so worthless why would anybody spend time on me. I don't realise why earlier I was a start and all and now have completely lost it. Its like I have become someone else. No matter how hard I try, I never am able to produce good results. Its like its pre-ordained. As if the path is invisibly being laid ahead of me and I am forced to walk on it.
Friends, if you don't work in the first place, then definitely you won't have any confidence and you will be guilty of not doing anything and hence the admonishings. But if you know yourself very well, that you had put in your heart and soul into it, and you tried your best to solve it, and no one believes you, it kinda hurts.
But I guess this stage in life comes when it has already given you a sound drubbing and theres nothing left to feel pain for. So it won't matter.
Then our evaluators go on to compare us with other people. And we realise that we are really worthless. And don't feel like working even more. Finally there comes a time where you feel that you're just too stupid. That you don't know anything and no matter how hard you try, it won't make a difference. From that day on, you will start your trip into the world of silence. And with every such irony, you'll only step closer into it. Realising how lonely the world can get...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Life of darkness, or end full of light?
Sometimes (er... make that most often), I tend to go into nostalgia mode. I wonder then how things were and how they've become. It really hurts when the past turns out better than the present and the anticipated future based on the present. And for me, its always been hurting for long enough to remember.
I still cannot fathom how 2 months of extreme bliss and happiness would give way to so much of darkness in life.
I see people around me battling with difficult situations. My well-wishers keep telling me that things are gonna change eventually. They never have till now. Then they say that others are suffering far more than I am. Well an ailing person is really not in a position to compare. But even if they're right, what good is it. It won't solve problems. It will just make you feel even more miserable that you are whining and crying and at pains about something that is seemingly trivial to the whole world, whereas its hell for you. And you increasingly begin to feel lonely out there, for no one understands... no one. Your loved ones want whats good for you. But they would also be applying the same ol' tried and tested solutions, oblivious to the specificity of the situation. In the end they're helpless too. They can only go as far, the further steps are for you to take. But you can't, because there is a web of confusion and the air just paralyzes. You can't think, can't act or react. You can only sit there and watch others race past. you sit there licking your wounds, the past keeps coming back to haunt you. Then everyone says that have faith in God. Be patient. Be steadfast. But there comes a point beyond which you really can't work anymore. You get so beaten up by the problems, the complexities, the sadness and depression, that you just can't move on. Your body aches. Your mind just stops responding and so so your limbs. And slowly the lights fade out. And you realise you're hardly alive. 'Coz the ignominy of having failed and being a loser- an eternal loser- just eats you away. And compounded with the fact that you had everything, every luxury- everything in the world to satisy you and help your needs, you keeped getting smothered by all this.
Somewhere along the line, you get a sudden burst of energy... probably the last of whats left. You make a resolve, that you'll get out of this. That you will make it. You take inspiration from lives of people who have turned it all around. So with shaky steps you start. You fall. But you stand up again to walk, 'coz you must. But you fall again. But you are not giving up that fast, and begin to walk again. But still fall. Wondering at why its happening, your faith in that Faith decreases. Your well-wishers egg you to still hold on, not to let go, and that He's still there. So with all thats left, you stand up again to walk. But like a final salvo, you're struck again. And then its all over.
Slowly, bit by bit, as your confidence drained, permanent dents were made inside you that would never be healed no matter how much you or anybody tries. You become so shaky, that when you're walking, you just tend to stop and wonder where is it that you are headed and what good is it. You question everyday activities. You just don't see any point in living like this anymore. Your loved ones get distraught at seeing you like this. They try everything earnestly. They admonish you, love you, care for you, impose strict regimes on you. But none of it helps. 'Coz it won't. And slowly a feeling creeps in- a dangerous one at that- which tells you that maybe all this was pre-ordained. It was meant to happen, no matter how much you try to correct it. 'Coz He wanted it to happen. That's why nothing worked, efforts and prayers alike. This is when you truly become all alone, when you are completely lost, and have absolutely nowhere to go. They say that its just your mind playing tricks. But you realise that your mind is so powerless and weak that it can't even force you to live another day.
And people still keep saying you are wasting time and opportunities and that nothings wrong.
Finally there comes a time when you just can't take it anymore. You just wanna stop. You can't move on. This is when you decide that it's time for you to go. Go away for good. Away from all the complexities and expectations here. They'd brand you a coward, a lunatic, mentally ill, unworthy of love and respect, unbeliever, etc. But you don't mind being branded all that. Its far better than the ignominy that you have to suffer in your daily drudgery. And the thought of the end- the conclusion- fills you with a joy that you never experienced ever before in a long long time. It liberates you. And it gives you back the capability to love people again, albeit for the time remaining till the end. It just feels great. You finally found happiness.
But your well-wishers won't let you go that easy. They are so emotionally and socially dependent on you that they can't stand to lose you. They just can't imagine that. Somehow, they'd be comfortable in seeing you whine day after day- 'coz they will eventually get used to it- rather than letting you go. They won't let you go. They will make you feel guilty for the sorrow and pain they'd go through after you reach your end happily. They'd accuse you of runing their lives henceforth. They beg and plead you and make you feel like a killer- for having killed their joy in life. They make you feel so shameless and distraught that you begin to have second thoughts about your end. 'Coz you're not heartless, just ailing and paralyzed. You wouldn't want your end to mean an end for everyone else. You wouldn't want others to suffer because of you. As it is, you haven't done anything in life for them. You don't want to be the cause for their troubles after your end.
This is when you are in a dilemma. Whether to take the leap till the end, or keep hanging on to the edge of the cliff, and letting yourself devoured by the ways of the world. Your mind is in trouble. Once again you don't know what to do. But you feel, at least let the world feed off me. I may at least be of help in satisfying its hunger, if nothing else.
This thought makes you feel good. It offers you solace, and instant peace. You begin to feel more comfortable about this decision- the decision to stay. So you go ahead and don't dissapoint the world and your loved ones- you stay.
But after some time, back in the grind mill, you realise that you're stuck again as usual. you keep getting barraged. There are small stints of happiness, like sunlight breaking through a cloudy sky. But it always gives way to a seemingly never ending dark sky and heavy showers, leaving you soaked, feeling cold, and powerless. But you can't do anything now. You are a part of it.
So you keep getting ground, ever so often, only so that the world may make some use of you.
After all, the breeze always blows and the sun always comes out after the shower (albeit momentarily) to dry you out, so that you can prepare yourself for the next onslaught, i.e. the heavy showers... hang on my friend, hang on to the edge of the cliff. Let them finish. You can take whatever is left of you to the end. Till then... hang on.
I still cannot fathom how 2 months of extreme bliss and happiness would give way to so much of darkness in life.
I see people around me battling with difficult situations. My well-wishers keep telling me that things are gonna change eventually. They never have till now. Then they say that others are suffering far more than I am. Well an ailing person is really not in a position to compare. But even if they're right, what good is it. It won't solve problems. It will just make you feel even more miserable that you are whining and crying and at pains about something that is seemingly trivial to the whole world, whereas its hell for you. And you increasingly begin to feel lonely out there, for no one understands... no one. Your loved ones want whats good for you. But they would also be applying the same ol' tried and tested solutions, oblivious to the specificity of the situation. In the end they're helpless too. They can only go as far, the further steps are for you to take. But you can't, because there is a web of confusion and the air just paralyzes. You can't think, can't act or react. You can only sit there and watch others race past. you sit there licking your wounds, the past keeps coming back to haunt you. Then everyone says that have faith in God. Be patient. Be steadfast. But there comes a point beyond which you really can't work anymore. You get so beaten up by the problems, the complexities, the sadness and depression, that you just can't move on. Your body aches. Your mind just stops responding and so so your limbs. And slowly the lights fade out. And you realise you're hardly alive. 'Coz the ignominy of having failed and being a loser- an eternal loser- just eats you away. And compounded with the fact that you had everything, every luxury- everything in the world to satisy you and help your needs, you keeped getting smothered by all this.
Somewhere along the line, you get a sudden burst of energy... probably the last of whats left. You make a resolve, that you'll get out of this. That you will make it. You take inspiration from lives of people who have turned it all around. So with shaky steps you start. You fall. But you stand up again to walk, 'coz you must. But you fall again. But you are not giving up that fast, and begin to walk again. But still fall. Wondering at why its happening, your faith in that Faith decreases. Your well-wishers egg you to still hold on, not to let go, and that He's still there. So with all thats left, you stand up again to walk. But like a final salvo, you're struck again. And then its all over.
Slowly, bit by bit, as your confidence drained, permanent dents were made inside you that would never be healed no matter how much you or anybody tries. You become so shaky, that when you're walking, you just tend to stop and wonder where is it that you are headed and what good is it. You question everyday activities. You just don't see any point in living like this anymore. Your loved ones get distraught at seeing you like this. They try everything earnestly. They admonish you, love you, care for you, impose strict regimes on you. But none of it helps. 'Coz it won't. And slowly a feeling creeps in- a dangerous one at that- which tells you that maybe all this was pre-ordained. It was meant to happen, no matter how much you try to correct it. 'Coz He wanted it to happen. That's why nothing worked, efforts and prayers alike. This is when you truly become all alone, when you are completely lost, and have absolutely nowhere to go. They say that its just your mind playing tricks. But you realise that your mind is so powerless and weak that it can't even force you to live another day.
And people still keep saying you are wasting time and opportunities and that nothings wrong.
Finally there comes a time when you just can't take it anymore. You just wanna stop. You can't move on. This is when you decide that it's time for you to go. Go away for good. Away from all the complexities and expectations here. They'd brand you a coward, a lunatic, mentally ill, unworthy of love and respect, unbeliever, etc. But you don't mind being branded all that. Its far better than the ignominy that you have to suffer in your daily drudgery. And the thought of the end- the conclusion- fills you with a joy that you never experienced ever before in a long long time. It liberates you. And it gives you back the capability to love people again, albeit for the time remaining till the end. It just feels great. You finally found happiness.
But your well-wishers won't let you go that easy. They are so emotionally and socially dependent on you that they can't stand to lose you. They just can't imagine that. Somehow, they'd be comfortable in seeing you whine day after day- 'coz they will eventually get used to it- rather than letting you go. They won't let you go. They will make you feel guilty for the sorrow and pain they'd go through after you reach your end happily. They'd accuse you of runing their lives henceforth. They beg and plead you and make you feel like a killer- for having killed their joy in life. They make you feel so shameless and distraught that you begin to have second thoughts about your end. 'Coz you're not heartless, just ailing and paralyzed. You wouldn't want your end to mean an end for everyone else. You wouldn't want others to suffer because of you. As it is, you haven't done anything in life for them. You don't want to be the cause for their troubles after your end.
This is when you are in a dilemma. Whether to take the leap till the end, or keep hanging on to the edge of the cliff, and letting yourself devoured by the ways of the world. Your mind is in trouble. Once again you don't know what to do. But you feel, at least let the world feed off me. I may at least be of help in satisfying its hunger, if nothing else.
This thought makes you feel good. It offers you solace, and instant peace. You begin to feel more comfortable about this decision- the decision to stay. So you go ahead and don't dissapoint the world and your loved ones- you stay.
But after some time, back in the grind mill, you realise that you're stuck again as usual. you keep getting barraged. There are small stints of happiness, like sunlight breaking through a cloudy sky. But it always gives way to a seemingly never ending dark sky and heavy showers, leaving you soaked, feeling cold, and powerless. But you can't do anything now. You are a part of it.
So you keep getting ground, ever so often, only so that the world may make some use of you.
After all, the breeze always blows and the sun always comes out after the shower (albeit momentarily) to dry you out, so that you can prepare yourself for the next onslaught, i.e. the heavy showers... hang on my friend, hang on to the edge of the cliff. Let them finish. You can take whatever is left of you to the end. Till then... hang on.
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